Like Fathers, Like Son

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday January 7, 2006

ROB McFARLAND

Growing up with two dads showed ROB McFARLAND that nature and nurture are both powerful influences.

Like many children of my generation, I have two fathers: a paternal one, whom I got to know through fortnightly weekend stays and occasional holidays, and a stepfather, who came home from work each day, whose musical tastes I've inherited and whose change I used to pinch from the bedside table.

I was about 18 months old when my parents divorced and I have only very hazy memories of their respective remarriages. I don't remember meeting my stepfather - he has just always been there. Similarly, the ritual of staying with dad every second weekend didn't seem strange or unusual - it was just part of my life while growing up. Having been spared the trauma of the break-up by virtue of being so young, my childhood take on the whole affair was that it was great - double the Christmas and birthday presents; two people to kick a football with.

I know very little about why my parents divorced and the older I become the less I want to. I guess I'm afraid of judging one of them now for something that happened more than 30 years ago. All I do know is that second time around my mother chose very differently - almost the complete opposite, in fact. My father is logical, principled, intelligent and immensely practical. I've seen him lay driveways, fit kitchens, strip car engines and mend boilers. He seems happiest when he's tinkering, fixing - doing something with his hands.

My stepfather, on the other hand, will put up a shelf only under extreme duress. But he can talk to anyone. Filled with an unwavering self-confidence, he has that rare ability to strike up conversation with everyone from taxi drivers to aristocrats. He has taken risks - he ran his own company - and although not intelligent in an academic sense, he has a finely honed business acumen. He loves doing deals and coming to arrangements and is an excellent judge of character.

I think the influence of two such different men has been my gain. There has been my father's unmistakable genetic influence: I look like him, sound like him and share many personality traits - logical, calm, stubborn. And there's what I've learnt from my stepfather: that life is about taking risks, that you don't need to like someone to do business with them and that money, within reason, is to be spent and enjoyed. It's the classic nature versus nurture argument and irrevocable proof of the importance of both.

One unfortunate but inevitable consequence of growing up is that your parents lose the superhero-like sheen of infallibility they had when you were a child. You realise that they, like everyone else, make mistakes and you are able to evaluate the choices they made when you are faced with similar decisions yourself.

It is only now that I realise the enormity of the task my stepfather took on when he married my mother - taking responsibility for someone else's child, rearing that child as his own and knowing he will forever have to deal with the remnants of his partner's failed relationship.

Similarly, I can only imagine what it must have been like for my father - watching another man bring up his son, hearing him call someone else "dad" and knowing he is missing out on the day-to-day interactions from which rapport is built and memories are made.

I'm already several years older than they were when they took on those roles and I'm not sure I could do either. And that's despite knowing that in many ways I've benefited from having two such influential figures in my life. What I've realised is that at the back of my mind lingers the unanswerable question of whether things would have been different if I'd had just one father. Because even with the fortnightly stays, the occasional holidays and the herculean effort made by all involved to try to make things normal, I'm not as close to either of them as I'd like to be.

Of course, this in itself is hardly unusual. Few fathers and sons enjoy the sort of sickly sweet relationships portrayed in advertisements and American sitcoms, and there is an increasing number of children growing up with no father figure at all.

What will be interesting to see is how this all pans out in statistics over the next few years. With the trend of couples marrying later and having fewer children continuing, the actions of my generation seem to suggest that maybe two dads aren't better than one.

© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald

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